Recently, I had an experience where my 11-year old son, Henry, lied to me about going to a violin practice in which he was not present. Minutes after the lie was told, I made a comment about calling his teacher. I'd been wanting to talk to her about Henry's waning interest in violin this year, the heavier homework load at school, and where we might be headed in regard to his lessons.
When we see children lie, we often react, we get angry, take it personally (I’m a bad parent, I have a child that lies, etc.) I chose to sit with it. The question I wanted to get to was: “What is going on in our relationship that he felt he couldn’t be honest with me?” I wanted to come to understanding rather than blame. So how do we get to what’s behind the lie?
The day after this event, Henry went off with his dad. This allowed me time to reflect. I had to own the part that was mine. He didn't want to disappoint me and he could feel I had an agenda around him keeping up with playing violin. It was my agenda for him playing the violin that created him not wanting to disappoint me. This was no longer his agenda.
I shared with him my insights a week later when we were back together again. I saw a light go off for him. He hadn't understood clearly why he lied, not to the point that he could own it. Now he could.
There are two of us in this relationship. If I am to teach him about honesty, then I have to be impeccable in how I live, have integrity in my words and actions. I have to be willing to see what's true in a situation and be willing to communicate that in a loving way. I have to trust that I am capable of taking care of myself and use the tools I have to navigate through life beautifully. That is the gift I share with him in my relationship to him as a parent, and through modeling how I live at my highest level each moment. A spirit having a human experience.
For those of you who are parents, I challenge you to ask some questions of yourself when you experience those "bumps" with your children. There is a relationship that involves two persons, like any relationship. We set our loved ones up to hold back truths about themselves by having expectations and agendas. We do this with ourselves as well. Can you be gentle with yourself, give yourself the space you need to allow the seeds of your becoming to grow and mature into the magnificent being that you truly are, expressing your divine self, your Light.
In talking to Henry about this, we were able to be in the Truth of what was going on and resolve it with love and respect for what we are co-creating. I feel so honored to be his parent and in this relationship. He felt grateful that I could step in and be willing to let go of my agenda for him so that he can truly be who he is. In this place, there is only love, and stress and disease melts away. We can be free and continue saying "Yes" to life!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
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