Stepping into your life can be exciting and scary when you are divorcing. It can feel overwhelming for some and exhilarating for others and somewhere in between for others still. I think I was somewhere in between.
During my alone time, when Henry was with his father, I didn't know what to do with myself often times. I would go exercise mostly and before I knew it I was in shape and feeling good about myself. I turned forty that year and had always wanted to do a triathlon, and so I trained for one, still unsure whether I could make it and when I did, I felt like I had accomplished something for me. This opened up a confidence in me I had never felt before.
Then I did a solo bike trip a few weeks later in the San Juan Islands in the Puget Sound near Seattle, Washington. There were lots of couples on the ferries and in the towns. I didn't see anyone traveling solo as I was. Feelings of loneliness perked, but I was enjoying time with me. What I started to see was that I needed and wanted to take time at this point in my life to discover who I am and what do I want.
This started a journey that I am still on today. One thing that popped up besides, "What am I going to do now for a living?" was that I had always wanted to go to another country for more than a week or two and live there for a couple of months, get to know another culture more intimately.
Recently, I spent 7 weeks in Soa Paolo State in Brazil with my son, Henry, who is 9 years old. The trip had everything I wanted, mostly connecting with the people who live there and feeling immersed in another culture.
There were times in my past when I came close to this, like going into the Peace Corps, and blowing out my knee skiing and being in rehab for 8 months. My life had taken a couple of turns and I never went. I have traveled, the tourist way, to Italy, Great Britain, Holland, Canada, and Mexico several times, but never really feeling that connection I yearned for.
With our split I found I had the time to create a new career for myself, to do some things I haven't done, to start to follow my dreams. So I planned a trip to Brazil with my son. As I started this process, I had contacts through friends in the US. It just so happened that we were able to get Henry into a Waldorf School in a community of small organic farms. He attends the Waldorf School where we live in Idaho. We stayed with a family in Dimetria for 3 weeks while Henry attended school. It was perfect for us and so rich in relationships and experience of newness and sharing.
This also helped us to become more familiar with Brazil and traveling there. So when we took off on our own, we felt more confident. The biggest thing was the warmth of Brazilians and their happiness with life, in general. We made some fabulous friends. I came home with such appreciation for what I have: my family and friends, my health, amenities, so many things that I have at times taken for granted and I feel so blessed and fortunate to live where I do.
Coming home, I feel like circumstances that have come up, bumps in the road, are so minor compared to the bigger picture of life and what is meaningful. I reflect on my path now and ask myself every morning, "What do I want? How do I want my day to feel?" and "What do I need today to get that?"
Action:
Start to create your life's vision.
Sit in a quiet place in silence for 10 minutes and then ask yourself these questions:
1. What is it I want today?
2. What is it I want for my life?
3. What is meaningful to me?
4. What do I need to do to make this happen?
Then, start to see that you are the creator of your life story and you have the freedom to create it how you want it. Freedom is giving yourself a choice and seeing that you can change or unchanged anything at any moment. It is self-awareness and a willingness to be in your integrity that keeps you on your path and connected to your deepest self.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Truth as Cleaning Up - July 2007
Being your Truth in relationships creates clean and honest communication. As I write this statement, I think, "Well, that's obvious." It may be obvious, yet not so easy as I have experienced with clients as well as in my own personal life.
There are so many factors that get in the way, but it really comes down to fear. If I am afraid to speak or act a true expression of myself because I might be criticized, rejected, or somehow squashed, there is a good chance that I will adjust my truth so that that doesn't happen, or happens to a level I am willing to accept.
Have you seen this in your relationships? In primary relationships (a spouse or a partner) it can be very damaging. Communication gets muddy and neither person feels heard or appreciated. If you aren't a true expression of yourself, others cannot respond to your essence. Instead they are responding to only what you are telling them by your words and your actions. When this happens, conflicts occur, and feelings of resentment at our partner not really knowing who we are. We might even start criticizing our partner, and blaming him/her for being so uncaring.
This happened in my relationship with my son's father. I was fearful of the relationship ending and hadn't accepted that as a possibility. We tried very hard to make it work. But I wasn't totally honest with him, out of that fear. He was trying to respond to what I was giving him, but as it wasn't totally authentic, how he was responding was based on what he was receiving from me, what I was telling him, verbally and non-verbally. Our communication would feel inconsistent, choppy and muddled because feelings would build up. He would get more frustrated and angry that his efforts weren't working. He thought he was doing what I wanted and I would get more fearful because it wasn't working and I didn't know how to fix it. I knew I needed to be true yet my fear was getting in the way.
We cannot start to make real changes in our lives until we see and accept what is true, about ourselves, our partners and our situations in the past and in this present moment. Now is the Time to heal and move on. Divorce and relationships are the perfect opportunity to make positive, healthy changes to create the kinds of relationships you really want.
Action:
Where are you stuck? What might you be denying in your life? Create time every day where you will not be disturbed. I find morning works well before everyone is up and my day gets rolling. Taking this time for me also allows my day to feel calmer.
Take some time and look at your relationships, primary and any other one that needs cleaning up. Set aside 30 minutes to journal about it and decide to take an action to de-clutter that/those relationships. When you have done that, go back and write about the experience. This will help to create a context for deeper healing as you allow your wisdom to unfold in the process. In doing this we create positive movement forward in our lives and make space for what we want to come in.
There are so many factors that get in the way, but it really comes down to fear. If I am afraid to speak or act a true expression of myself because I might be criticized, rejected, or somehow squashed, there is a good chance that I will adjust my truth so that that doesn't happen, or happens to a level I am willing to accept.
Have you seen this in your relationships? In primary relationships (a spouse or a partner) it can be very damaging. Communication gets muddy and neither person feels heard or appreciated. If you aren't a true expression of yourself, others cannot respond to your essence. Instead they are responding to only what you are telling them by your words and your actions. When this happens, conflicts occur, and feelings of resentment at our partner not really knowing who we are. We might even start criticizing our partner, and blaming him/her for being so uncaring.
This happened in my relationship with my son's father. I was fearful of the relationship ending and hadn't accepted that as a possibility. We tried very hard to make it work. But I wasn't totally honest with him, out of that fear. He was trying to respond to what I was giving him, but as it wasn't totally authentic, how he was responding was based on what he was receiving from me, what I was telling him, verbally and non-verbally. Our communication would feel inconsistent, choppy and muddled because feelings would build up. He would get more frustrated and angry that his efforts weren't working. He thought he was doing what I wanted and I would get more fearful because it wasn't working and I didn't know how to fix it. I knew I needed to be true yet my fear was getting in the way.
We cannot start to make real changes in our lives until we see and accept what is true, about ourselves, our partners and our situations in the past and in this present moment. Now is the Time to heal and move on. Divorce and relationships are the perfect opportunity to make positive, healthy changes to create the kinds of relationships you really want.
Action:
Where are you stuck? What might you be denying in your life? Create time every day where you will not be disturbed. I find morning works well before everyone is up and my day gets rolling. Taking this time for me also allows my day to feel calmer.
Take some time and look at your relationships, primary and any other one that needs cleaning up. Set aside 30 minutes to journal about it and decide to take an action to de-clutter that/those relationships. When you have done that, go back and write about the experience. This will help to create a context for deeper healing as you allow your wisdom to unfold in the process. In doing this we create positive movement forward in our lives and make space for what we want to come in.
Getting Present - August 2007
"Now is the Time" was born out of my business name, Adesso, which means "now" in Italian. One of the things that was so important for me, now but even more vitally, in the beginning stages of my divorce, was to stay present. For myself and for Henry, my son who was 7 years old at the time his father and I were splitting up.
What staying in the present moment did for me was kept me out of the drama of my situation. It made me see that everything is as it should be at this moment. I have nothing to be a victim to, no one to blame, nothing to regret.
Getting present means taking the time to get quiet. Slowing down allowed me to feel. It also meant connecting with my physical body. When I get in touch with where my feelings are being held in my body, I can make adjustments. Sometimes I would feel some stress somewhere in my body and then ask myself, "What is the emotion I am holding there?" Our bodies are messengers of emotional information that can be very powerful to tap into.
What went hand-in-hand with making the effort to be present was the willingness to look at my situation clearly and factually. Taking time for silence allowed for me to become an observer. When I got more experienced at doing this alone and in silence, I started to do it in my more active daily life. In being an observer, I became more aware of things I had been overlooking for a very long time.
This awareness lead me out of denial and into acceptance. To be aware means to be mindful that something exists because you notice it or realize that it is happening: well-informed about what is going on in the world around you. Similar words are consciousness, wakefulness, and sensitivity. By definition, awareness is the doorway to change. Once we become aware, we can see choices. This is very freeing in that it opens us up from that stuck place of denial and takes us into action.
Action:
Where are you stuck? What might you be denying in your life? Create time every day where you will not be disturbed. I find morning works well before everyone is up and my day gets rolling. Taking this time for me also allows my day to feel calmer.
In the beginning, start out with 10 minutes. You can use a timer; this is helpful so you are not checking the time. Sitting in silence may be difficult at first but let yourself practice silence and non-doing, observing your thoughts. Let them move in and out. Try to watch them without resistance or judgment. When you are finished, you may want to journal about your experience, noting any insights you may have had. Do this everyday, adding time when you feel ready.
Now is the Time to take care of yourself, to take the time to be with yourself, This is am opportunity to nurture your spirit and increase your awareness so you can take actions to be in line with your truest and deepest self. When we do this, situations seem to fall in place in our lives so much easier.
What staying in the present moment did for me was kept me out of the drama of my situation. It made me see that everything is as it should be at this moment. I have nothing to be a victim to, no one to blame, nothing to regret.
Getting present means taking the time to get quiet. Slowing down allowed me to feel. It also meant connecting with my physical body. When I get in touch with where my feelings are being held in my body, I can make adjustments. Sometimes I would feel some stress somewhere in my body and then ask myself, "What is the emotion I am holding there?" Our bodies are messengers of emotional information that can be very powerful to tap into.
What went hand-in-hand with making the effort to be present was the willingness to look at my situation clearly and factually. Taking time for silence allowed for me to become an observer. When I got more experienced at doing this alone and in silence, I started to do it in my more active daily life. In being an observer, I became more aware of things I had been overlooking for a very long time.
This awareness lead me out of denial and into acceptance. To be aware means to be mindful that something exists because you notice it or realize that it is happening: well-informed about what is going on in the world around you. Similar words are consciousness, wakefulness, and sensitivity. By definition, awareness is the doorway to change. Once we become aware, we can see choices. This is very freeing in that it opens us up from that stuck place of denial and takes us into action.
Action:
Where are you stuck? What might you be denying in your life? Create time every day where you will not be disturbed. I find morning works well before everyone is up and my day gets rolling. Taking this time for me also allows my day to feel calmer.
In the beginning, start out with 10 minutes. You can use a timer; this is helpful so you are not checking the time. Sitting in silence may be difficult at first but let yourself practice silence and non-doing, observing your thoughts. Let them move in and out. Try to watch them without resistance or judgment. When you are finished, you may want to journal about your experience, noting any insights you may have had. Do this everyday, adding time when you feel ready.
Now is the Time to take care of yourself, to take the time to be with yourself, This is am opportunity to nurture your spirit and increase your awareness so you can take actions to be in line with your truest and deepest self. When we do this, situations seem to fall in place in our lives so much easier.
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