Truth as Cleaning Up - July 2007

Being your Truth in relationships creates clean and honest communication. As I write this statement, I think, "Well, that's obvious." It may be obvious, yet not so easy as I have experienced with clients as well as in my own personal life.
There are so many factors that get in the way, but it really comes down to fear. If I am afraid to speak or act a true expression of myself because I might be criticized, rejected, or somehow squashed, there is a good chance that I will adjust my truth so that that doesn't happen, or happens to a level I am willing to accept.

Have you seen this in your relationships? In primary relationships (a spouse or a partner) it can be very damaging. Communication gets muddy and neither person feels heard or appreciated. If you aren't a true expression of yourself, others cannot respond to your essence. Instead they are responding to only what you are telling them by your words and your actions. When this happens, conflicts occur, and feelings of resentment at our partner not really knowing who we are. We might even start criticizing our partner, and blaming him/her for being so uncaring.

This happened in my relationship with my son's father. I was fearful of the relationship ending and hadn't accepted that as a possibility. We tried very hard to make it work. But I wasn't totally honest with him, out of that fear. He was trying to respond to what I was giving him, but as it wasn't totally authentic, how he was responding was based on what he was receiving from me, what I was telling him, verbally and non-verbally. Our communication would feel inconsistent, choppy and muddled because feelings would build up. He would get more frustrated and angry that his efforts weren't working. He thought he was doing what I wanted and I would get more fearful because it wasn't working and I didn't know how to fix it. I knew I needed to be true yet my fear was getting in the way.

We cannot start to make real changes in our lives until we see and accept what is true, about ourselves, our partners and our situations in the past and in this present moment. Now is the Time to heal and move on. Divorce and relationships are the perfect opportunity to make positive, healthy changes to create the kinds of relationships you really want.

Action:

Where are you stuck? What might you be denying in your life? Create time every day where you will not be disturbed. I find morning works well before everyone is up and my day gets rolling. Taking this time for me also allows my day to feel calmer.

Take some time and look at your relationships, primary and any other one that needs cleaning up. Set aside 30 minutes to journal about it and decide to take an action to de-clutter that/those relationships. When you have done that, go back and write about the experience. This will help to create a context for deeper healing as you allow your wisdom to unfold in the process. In doing this we create positive movement forward in our lives and make space for what we want to come in.